18 Bundyisms p1 (Married With Children)
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This article is from the Married With Children FAQ, by Dean Adams dadams@netcom.com with numerous contributions by others.
18 Bundyisms p1 (Married With Children)
The Bundy credo:
"When one Bundy is embarrassed, the rest of us feel better
about ourselves." [From CAN'T DANCE, DON'T ASK ME (313)]
Al Bundy's xmas story:
Twas the night before christmas, and all through the house,
no food was a stirring, not even a mouse.
Stockings were hung 'round dad's neck like a tie,
along with a note that said "presents or die".
Children were plotting all night in their beds,
while the wife's constant whining was splitting his head.
But daddy had money this year in the bank,
then they closed up early, now dad's in the tank.
...and all of a sudden Santa appeared,
a sneer on his face, booze in his beard.
Santa I said as he laughed merrily,
you do so much for others do something for me.
Bundy he said, you only sell shoes,
your son is a sneak-thief, your daughters' a flooze.
Ho Ho Santa said, should I mention your wife,
her hairs like an a-bomb, her nails like a knife.
As he climbs up the chimney, that fat piece of dung,
he mooned me two times, he stuck out his tongue.
And I heard him exclaim, as he broke wind with glee:
you're married with children, you'll never be free.
[From IT'S A BUNDYFUL LIFE (part 1) (412)]
Al pays the bills:
Oh man we're broke, cha cha cha
Everybody flat broke, cha cha cha
Living in the gutter, cha cha cha
Early grave, cha cha cha
Alright now, everybody - shoot me!
[From RAINGIRL (419)]
Al's Gardening Song:
Ol' McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y.
And on this farm there was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y.
With a no wife here, and no kids there,
And a hooker coming over on Friday night,
Big hooters with a pizza and a beer there,
Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y!
[From "WABBIT SEASON" (508)]
"I Care" by Al Bundy:
When hooters jiggle around,
and I find nickels on the ground, I care.
When a mustang engine purrs,
and the bathroom is not hers, I care.
When the pitcher's on the mound,
and the wife is underground, I care.
But when I've been playing this for days,
I will kill anyone who stays, I swear!
To which Peggy adds:
...and if you really want a scare,
check out his underwear, if you dare.
[From MYSTERY OF SKULL ISLAND (614)]
"A man is a man all of his life, but a woman is only sexy 'til
she becomes your wife" [Al Bundy, from RITES OF PASSAGE (616)]
"At the Nudie Bar":
Where the music stinks, and they water the drinks, the nudie bar.
Where the girlies dance in their underpants, the nudie bar.
Where you see their butt, and their trap stays shut,
at the nudie bar.
Where you can't touch a breast, but you can cave in a chest,
at the nudie bar.
Where you look at a thigh, and blacken an eye, at the nudie bar.
Where the beer gives you gas, but the Bundys kick ass,
...at the nudie bar. [From RITES OF PASSAGE (616)]
"Psycho Dad" theme song:
Who's that riding into the sun.
Who's the man with the itchy gun.
Who's the man who kills for fun!
Psycho Dad. Psycho Dad. Psycho Dad!
He sleeps with a gun, but he loves his son.
Killed his wife 'cause she weighed a ton... Psycho Dad!
[From AL... WITH KELLY (501)]
"Psycho Dad" new theme song:
A little touched or so we're told.
Killed his wife 'cause she had a cold.
Might as well, she was gettin' old.
Psy-cho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad.
He's quick with a gun, and his job ain't done.
Killed his wife by twenty-one, he's Psy-cho Dad!
"Psycho Mom" theme song:
Who's the gal who needs no man?
Killed him dead with the frying pan.
Did it 'cause he missed the can.
Psycho Mom, Psycho Mom, she's Psy-cho Mom!
[From TEACHER PETS (621)]
"Old Aid" song:
We are the old, we've got arthritis
Our gums are weak (so weak), from gingivitis
We are the old, we've got arthritis
We are the ones who wear bifocals, and have bursitis
There are people younger, but we heed another call
We really need the money, our accountants took it all
We sing to you, those who have money
Once we was cool, but now we just dress funny
We need your help, so please please dig deep
Don't call after ten, 'cause we'll be asleep
We have medicare, and anti-gas pills
But without your help, we can't pay our alimony bills
We are the old, [they are the old]
We have arthritis [they have arthritis]
Once we were gods, now golf excites us [golf excites 'em]
So write a check (a really big one), for our december
There's one more verse, but we can't remember...
[From ROCK OF AGES (709)]
Christmas jobs for Al:
With twelve days till christmas,
your family got for you:
12 days fruit picking,
11 offramp selling,
10 toilets cleaning,
9 digging graves,
8 snaking sewers,
7 spearing rats,
6 training guard dogs,
5 giving blood!
4 crash-test dummying,
3 jobs roach-killing,
2 jobs dog catching,
and one job santa-ing at the mall.
[From CHRISTMAS (712)]
Marcy's song for Santa-Al:
Bundy the no-man,
he's as bald as he can be.
With the hair in his nose and rot on his toes,
he's as bald as he can be.
Bundy the no-man,
he's as bald as he can be.
He's into old age,
making minimum wage,
he's as bald as he can be...
[From CHRISTMAS (712)]
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