This article is from the The Complete Guide To Hack Stand-Up Comedy, by Steven Rosenthal and Steve Silberberg (firstname.lastname@example.org) with numerous contributions by others.
Some stock lines have been around since the age of vaudeville, yet still
work because audiences haven't heard them. But again that doesn't mean you
should do it just because it gets a yuk. The following are old lines in the
public domain that are undeniably hack.
* (An overweight comic's opening) Let me move the mike stand so you can
see me better.
* (A waitress drops something) "Just put that anywhere." "Keep drinking
folks, because the more you drink the funnier the show gets."
* (point to the microphone) "There's a reason they don't give these
things out at the door, pal!"
* "Hey, I don't come to where you work and knock the gas pumps out of
your hands (or french fries, or dicks out of your mouth, etc.)!
* "Hey I remember my first beer!"
* "Where'd you learn to whisper? A rock concert? In a helicopter? Or
some other place where whispering wouldn't be very effective!"
* "How many of you rent Pornography?" (No one answers) "Yeah, a five
billion dollar a year industry and I'm the only one!"
* "I'm available for Children's Parties!" (Yeah, you and a thousand
other comics who think they're shocking.)
* "Excuse me, am I interrupting your conversation with my act?"