This article is from the The Young Ones FAQ, by Andrew Wong BritCom@audiophile.com with numerous contributions by others.
It goes something like this....
Neil: "Look out everyone, he's coming through the doors."
Vyv: "BRILLIANT ! He didn't even open them...."
Neil: "He's here !!!!"
Mike: "Quick Rick, do the speech."
*Music starts* (Video - the Young Ones walking down a street,
Rick pointing at the camera)
Rick: "Hey kids, stop snogging and pay attention to me. 'Cos if
you're a wild-eyed loner standing at the gates of Oblivion,
hitch a ride with us. 'Cos we're on the last freedom moped out
of Nowhere City, and we haven't even told our parents what
time we'll be back ! So put on your dancing trousers, and get
down to the utter King of Rock and Roll, CLIFF RICHARD !!!"
(jumps in the air)
Cliff: Got myself a crying, talking, sleeping, walking, living doll.
(singing) Got to do my best to please her just 'cos she's a livin' doll.
Got a roving eye and that is why she satisfies my soul,
I've got the one and only walking talking livin' doll.
OK guys, ready Vyv?
Vyv: Completely ready when you are, Shaky!
Neil: Does anybody know where the toilets are?
Mike: Hey, does all this money really have to go to charity?
Mike: Yes it does, Michael! Hi Cliff, it's me !
Cliff: Who are you?
Rik: Huh he, great joke, Your Majesty!
Cliff: (singing) "Got myself a crying, talking, sleeping, walking
Ones: (singing rather badly) "Living doll"
Cliff: "Got to do my best to please her, just 'cos she's a living
Ones: "Living doll"
Cliff: Got a roving eye and that is why she satisfies my soul
Ones: "'Fies my soul!
Vyv: Fies my soul ?!
Rik: Yes Vyvyan, it's raunchy!
Mike: Shut up guys!
All: (singing) I've got the one and only walking talking living
Rick: OK daddy-io! Lay the next funky riff on me!
Mike: He means, "What happens now?" Cliff.
Cliff: The instrumental break.
"Great, which instruments do you want us to break?"
"Guitar" (sound of guitar played very badly, followed by
Vyv: smashing noises)
"Piano" (same again)
"Violin" (blah blah)
Rick: "Vyvian's trousers" (ripping noises)
Vyv: "Rick's head" *thud*
Neil: "Yeah! Ah, ah, Neil's head!" *thud*
Vyv: Hey! Cliff's head!
All: "No! No! NO!"
Rick: (singing)Oh take a look at her hair, it's real.
Neil: If you don't believe what I say ...
Mike: ... just feel!
Vyv: (loudly) GONNA LOCK HER UP IN A TRUNK!
Mike: So no big hunk ...
Cliff: ... can steal her away from me.
(more twangy guitars)
Rick: "I still think locking girls up in a trunk is politically
Mike: "It's only a song, Rick."
Neil: "Well, I feel sorry for the elephants."
Cliff: Got myself a ...
Neil: ... crying ...
Vyv: ... talking ...
Mike: ... sleeping ...
Rick: ... walking ...
Ones: ... livin' doll!
Cliff: Livin' doll. Got to do my best to please her just cause she's
a livin' doll.
Ones: Livin' doll!
Cliff: OK guys, harmony now.
Young (very unharmonious) Got a rovin' eye and that is why she
Ones: satisfies my soul
Cliff: 'Fies my soul.
All: I've got the one and only walking talking livin' doll!
Cliff: I've got the one and only walking talking livin' doll!
(flourish, end of guitar riff)
Cliff: Erm... can I go now?
Rick: Er, yeah, thanks, Cliff, bye!
(Vyv hits Cliff with a club, Cliff falls to floor)
Rick: "Right kids, if you don't buy this record, you're an utter
utter utter utter utter ..."
(Meanwhile Vyv knocks out Mike and Neil, then Rick ('utter
ut-*thwack*-ter...'). He then looks around the room, looks at the camera,
smiles, shrugs, and then knocks himself out. The picture reverts to snow,
and on the record there seems to be a scratch.)
If you can remember the rest off the top of your head, let me know!