13.5.1 Sir William Francois Entenkopf - a musical satire by David Stybr
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This article is from the soc.culture.australian FAQ, by Stephen Wales with numerous contributions by others.
13.5.1 Sir William Francois Entenkopf - a musical satire by David Stybr
Editor's Note: Any resemblance between this article and truth is purely
coincidental.
Many composers have spent their lives in obscurity and then gained
recognition only after their deaths. Some composers have never received any
recognition at all, and few were more justifiably ignored than Sir William
Francois Entenkopf.
Entenkopf was born either 1 April or 31 October 1857 of British, French and
German parents (1 of each) in Erdnusscremestadt, Bavaria. His father was an
itinerant accordion repairman. Young Entenkopf showed no gifts for music
whatsoever, but his father sent him anyway to the Munich Konservatorium at
age 10. The boy was a slothful wretch and was threatened with expulsion
several times for his refusal to attend classes. However, his father managed
to dig up unsavoury facts about most of the faculty members, and through the
judicious use of blackmail young Entenkopf was graduated with top honours and
awarded several gold medals and certificates of merit. He was also awarded
the Prix d'Ayers Rock, which enabled him to study further (in fact as far
away as possible) in central Australia. Not bad for someone who had not
written a single note.
Entenkopf sailed for Australia in 1878. The prize money wasn't much, so he
was obliged to take the 6-month journey in a packing crate in the cargo hold
of the ship. After several weeks at sea, he decided one day to make use of
the time by composing 2 symphonies, 3 concerti (one each for piano, violin
and clarinet), a Mass and 12 pianos sonatas. However, within minutes of this
decision, his laziness began to prevail and he didn't write anything after
all. Besides, his packing crate had been loaded next to several barrels of
Jamaican rum, which Entenkopf proceeded to load into himself. Oh well.
In October 1878 Entenkopf arrived in Melbourne, Victoria, on the southeast
coast of Australia. At this time he spoke only German, but he mumbled so
badly that nobody could have understood him even if he spoke English. The
next few years from 1878 to 1881 have been described by scholars as "The Lost
Years". These years were in fact well documented; most of the time Entenkopf
simply had no idea where he was. For example, one day he went for an
afternoon stroll and 3 months later found himself in Perth, Western
Australia. Another time he went for a swim and eventually found himself in
Hobart, Tasmania. Still another time he went for a hike in the mountains and
later turned up in Sydney, New South Wales. Each time in his confusion
Entenkopf would curl up for a nap in a convenient packing crate, only to be
loaded aboard a ship and returned somehow to Melbourne, Victoria.
After 3 years of confused wanderings, Entenkopf liked Melbourne so much that
he decided not to continue on to Ayers Rock. He still had some of his prize
money, so he decided to move out of his packing crate and into more
comfortable lodgings in the outskirts of Melbourne. While searching for a
flat, he tripped over a pub owner named Mal de Mer. Entenkopf decided to
enter into a business partnership with de Mer in exchange for room, board and
English lessons, a fruitful arrangement. By 1890, their Gorge and Guzzle Pub
had become so successful that Entenkopf and de Mer had branched out into
other cities and had become wealthy men. By then Entenkopf spoke English
fluently, but he still mumbled so badly that nobody could understand him.
And, oh yes, Entenkopf still had not written any music at all. Consarn it
all!
In January 1895, Entenkopf decided to take a much-needed vacation in Canberra
in the Australian Capital Territory, but was disappointed to find upon his
arrival that this city did not yet exist. In March, Entenkopf sold his share
of the business and decided to travel again. He boarded a ship and sailed
north to Anchorage, Alaska, but was disappointed to find upon his arrival
that this city did not yet exist either. However, he felt that the Alaskan
wilderness would be a good place to begin work on a vast series of operas
based on the rise and fall of the Roman Empire, with 1 opera devoted to each
of the 66 Roman Emperors. Entenkopf was thus suddenly faced with the
frightening prospect of actually doing some creative work. When the full
gravity of the situation became apparent to him, changed his mind once again
and didn't compose a note.
By now Entenkopf spoke English almost as well as he spoke his native German
(which sure isn't saying much), and certainly much better than he spoke
Swahili or ancient Phoenician. With typical lack of reason he decided to
settle in Canada in the province of Ontario. Along the way he stopped in
Dawson City in the Yukon Territory and accidentally started the great
Klondike Gold Rush of 1898 when a 16-ton solid gold boulder rolled off a hill
top and bounced off his head. This reminded him of a passage in "The
Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam": "The rolling boulder bounces, and, having bounced,
moves on." Entenkopf scratched his head and moved on. Then another 16-ton
solid gold boulder rolled off a hill top and bounced off his head. Entenkopf
suddenly realised he just might have something. In addition to a splitting
headache, Entenkopf found that he had become even more wealthy than before.
However, perhaps the most significant consequence of this tap on the noggin
was the sudden unleashing of the great creative energies that had not been
stopped up inside him all of his life.
Entenkopf became a man possessed. Great volumes of music poured out of him
in torrents. Symphonies, concerti, sonatas, quartet, operas, ballets and
myriads of short works gushed forth from his pen. Scarcely stopping for food
or sleep, Entenkopf wrote on every surface he could find: paper, table tops,
walls, people's arms, sleeping polar bears etc. After 3 months of unceasing
activity, he was placed, exhausted, onto a train bound for Ottawa, Ontario.
Most of his newly-composed music was loaded into several of the baggage
cars. When he arrived in Ottawa, Entenkopf had very little energy left and
he was hospitalised for exhaustion. He recovered from his ordeal, but he
never again composed another note of music. Thus his 3-month outpouring of
music represented his only crack in the dam of culture, not to be confused
with damming with faint praise.
Upon his release from the Royal Canadian Hospital for the Unbelievably Tired
in Ottawa in 1902, Entenkopf with typical lack of reason built a large
mansion for himself in Quebec, Quebec. He couldn't speak a word of French,
but he still mumbled so badly in German and English that nobody could
understand him no matter which language he spoke. In Quebec City he
established a cafe on la Grande-Allee called Le Gourmand qui a Soif (The
Thirsty Glutton), and it became a sensation. Once again, Entenkopf earned
another fortune. He lived the rest of his life in Quebec City, and
occasionally he could be seen lying face down outside his cafe on la
Grande-Allee, where he was affectionately known as "Monsieur l'Imbecile".
Entenkopf died on 1 July 1937.
His obituary attracted the attention of an Austrian-born musicologist living
in Winnipeg. His name was Manfred Tobias, or Manny Toba as his friends
called him, and he came to Quebec to examine Entenkopf's legacy. Upon closer
examination of the music, however, Tobias found that it consisted of little
more than unison B-Flats repeated ad nauseam. He had hoped to prepare a
definitive edition of Entenkopf's music, but all he could produce was "The
Young Person's Guide to the Unison B-Flat", a 30-minute work for orchestra.
Disheartened, Tobias returned to Winnipeg, after he had embezzled much of
Entenkopf's remaining fortune. The composer's legacy remains justly
forgotten.
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