3# Helpful Hints to NicePeople(tm)
Description
This article is from the Romance and Dating FAQ, by Henning Klaskala alt.romance.FAQ@online.de with numerous contributions by others.
3# Helpful Hints to NicePeople(tm)
From: dabbott@leon.atnf.csiro.au (David Abbott)
Karen Ronan <ronan@mendel.berkeley.edu> writes...
>This won't be very thorough, but here are some hints to "nice people" on
>how to stop others from taking advantage:
>
>- Give serious thought to how you feel when you have been taken advantage
>of: e.g. hurt, betrayed, disappointed, scared, embarrassed, angry. Think
>about exactly what behavior of your friend triggered exactly which
>reaction in you.
>
>- Think about whether this reaction is entirely justified, partly
>justified, possibly an overreaction, or what. Think about whether the
>reaction is the same one you've been feeling since childhood in similar
>situations. Think about whether you want to have this reaction for the
>rest of your life, or whether you are ready to change the reaction.
>(Sometimes you will still want to have that reaction.)
>
>- Think about whether you maintain your emotional boundaries or whether
>you allow others to invade your emotional boundaries. If you let them
>invade your boundaries, what are you willing to do to prevent this in the
>future? Are you willing to say "No"? Are you willing to say, "I'm
>angry"? Are you willing to say, "I'm finding it hard to tolerate what
>you did, and I'm very hurt"? Even if it means the other person will get
>defensive and angry with you? Are you willing to stand up for yourself
>because your feelings are important ?
>
>- Think specifically about what you /can/ tolerate as opposed to what you
>/actually/ tolerate. Give yourself permission to stop tolerating what is
>intolerable.
>
>- Permit yourself to refuse people access to you if they're incapable of
>treating you respectfully.
>
>- Respect yourself and respect others. Believe that others are doing the
>best that they can, even if they are operating at a very low level.
>People don't have the perception that you do. People don't know what you
>are feeling or thinking and are unconscious of hurting you.
>
>- Think of communicating your feelings as giving information to someone,
>not as imposing demands on them.
>
>Other hints welcome.
>
>Karen
- Keep a diary of everything hurtful or enjoyable, and read each entry
a week later. You soon realise if you are an oversensitive bastard.
David. [...]
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