This article is from the the official alt.spleen FAQ, by Andrew Stellman with numerous contributions by others.
Andrew says: NOTE: PLEASE DO NOT SEND ANY MAIL TO ME REQUESTING MEDICAL ADVICE! I AM NOT A DOCTOR, AND WILL NOT GIVE YOU ANY USEFUL INFORMATION.
Advanced spleen researcher Christian Wedge (email@example.com) has done a good deal of quality background research on phlegm. Here are the preliminary results of his recent study:
"That wonderful stuff in the back of my throat doesn't go through my digestive system, it all goes to my spleen! After noticing this, I questioned my spleen about it, it just said 'It's really neat stuff, so spleeny, I love it!' I asked a little further and found out that my spleen likes to bathe in it. I conducted a survey of 500 random spleens and found that 99 out of 100 spleens prefer a phlegm rubdown to pledge. Phlegm doesn't exactly _remove_ the waxy spam buildup, but rather, it enhances it to create a lovely protective second skin that acts like a nice t-shirt. The use of phlegm also works great to prevent chafing of the spleen because - well it should be obvious why - phlegm is a mucus, and one of the things mucus's do is prevent chafing. Phlegm is special, though, because it's consistency is so compatible with both the spleen and spam.
"I'm not sure how my spleen found out how great phlegm is, but I've always suspected that my spleen is smarter than the average spleen - it's always been rather clever. I don't know how, but my spleen created a tube leading from itself to my esophagus, where there is a special membrane that draws the phlegm into the tube. My studies show that not just my spleen is partial to phlegm, but in fact the vast majority of spleen like it. My spleen may have been just lucky or something, I don't know, but never the less, this vital information has been discovered and all who care about their spleen can now treat it to something new and exciting."