This article is from the the official alt.spleen FAQ, by Andrew Stellman with numerous contributions by others.
Andrew says: NOTE: PLEASE DO NOT SEND ANY MAIL TO ME REQUESTING MEDICAL ADVICE! I AM NOT A DOCTOR, AND WILL NOT GIVE YOU ANY USEFUL INFORMATION.
Your spleen requires just a little care and love. Remember to follow these easy rules:
- Keep your spleen clean. Make sure to wash your spleen at least once a month (either let it air dry, or use a paper towel or lint-free cloth). Do not use soap, just a gentle jet of water. (See the section on spleen cleaning later in the FAQ)
- Eat right. Beans are good spleen food, especially kidney beans. Your spleen also appreciates the occasional pizza (for the grease), and pasta is always a yes.
- Give your spleen affection. Go ahead! Don't be shy. Touch it, squeeze it gently, massage it. Your spleen can be your best friend if you treat it right.
But that's not all! According to Nobel prizewinning surgeon and hygenist Tom Whelan (firstname.lastname@example.org), you should always do the following things to make life better for your spleen: - Let it out for a few minutes each day. Careful to put a towel in your lap for this.
- Vent the Spleen. This is best done in the shower, as it can become messy. Be sure to have your blood type in stock at the local red cross. If you're not already familiar with venting, you should consult a certified spleen mechanic.
- Talk to your Spleen: A few words of encouragement, or just a kind comment make for a happy day.
- Never scare your spleen. Mad barking dogs, incontinent parrots, and brain damaged Easter Bunnies all tend to upset your spleen.
- Your spleen needs a diet high in Haggis. Haggis is a delicacy popular in Scotland. It is made with ground lamb's brains, liver, adrenal glands and hemp with a barley binder. The Haggis is served in the lamb's stomach. Since there is a resemblance, the Spleen enjoys this meal. (See below for vegetarian alternatives.)
- Burp a lot. This is akin to a back rub for the Spleen.