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This article is from the Saturday Night Live: Commercial Parodies FAQ, by Doug Krause snl-faq@lido.com with numerous contributions by
others.
07 Jack Handey - Deep Thoughts p4 (Saturday Night Live)
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for
about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and
start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd
say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd
say, "Well, that was easy."
Good joke, huh.
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That
way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat him.
How about it, science?
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which
you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find
a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you
stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take
off!
Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is
capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as
you might think.
The prince decided he would learn anger. So he gathered his subjects together
outside his balcony. :Who would teach me anger?" he said.
"**** you!" somebody yelled.
"Okay, how about algebra?" said the prince.
If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do
this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the
fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell,
"Log o' fire! Log o' fire!"
I've never done this, but I think it'd work.
As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too
tight, as it turned out.
"This is the fourth coat crushing this year", said the sergeant as he
outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.
I read that when the archaeologists dug down into the ancient cemetary, they
found fragments of *human bones*! What kind of barbarians were these people,
anyway?
I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe
in a God with a long white beard, a gold crown, and a long robe with lots of
shiny jewels on it. He sits on a big throne in the clouds, and He's about five
hundred feet tall. He talks in a real deep voice like "I...AM...GOD!" He can
blow up stuff just by looking at it.
This is my own, personal idea of God.
Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives
connected by a thin strand.
Come on, Marta. Grow up.
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy
sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is
everybody ready to start now?"
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called
the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell
everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's
just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone,
and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five
minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out.
Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of
town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard
and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but
he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the
volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day.
It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out.
Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to
collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke
his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels",
because then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go,
"What the-?" And then they would recognize me, and go, "Oh, it's you, the
Prince of Weasels."
As the sleek new sports car wound its way up the tortuous road, Henri tought
back to the torture he had received ten minutes ago. "Ah, air conditioning",
he thought as he aimed the vents toward the numerous whip marks on his legs,
chest, and groinal area.
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of
these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from
invasion by another group."
"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh.
Girls are funny.
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered
an enemy planet.
When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I
got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no
one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel
that way.
It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be
carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.
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